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Welcome Back, ARN&R
By Mandy D. Struthers
The empty classroom was quiet, but as Gabe entered, he knew who'd be there to keep it all interesting and educational. Cultivating the talents of young satirists hadnt been in his lifes plan, but now it was like his home.
Several students began to file in, but even as the clock neared the final moments before class began, four seats still remained empty.
The bell rang and still, they didn't come. He knew that his special group would be dragging, recovering from the awesome power of Superman:ROS they had experienced at SFNE the day before.
Four cocky bastards then entered the room.
The first was CSB Barbarino, a cool Italian type with a Romeo complex. Sporting a faded flight jacket over a red MegaZeph t-shirt, CSB entered with a saunter. His track record was one of the eight mysteries of the Buchanan High since he had never left the Tri-State area.
He was followed by JCK "Boom-Boom" Washington, so named for the way he made the earth shake when he was coming down from extreme airtime. A young black man with a strong jaw and a handsome face, he never failed to back CSB up when trouble came pulling along, or when anyone needed some extra napkins from the Lemon Chill stand.
Next came FMB Horshack, who with black, curly hair and the old oversized Army jacket over his Son of Beast denim shirt was easily the class clown.
Finally, last and never least was Supreme Editor Epstein, who's full name of Juan Supremo Editorio Epstein, seemed to suggest one of the most diverse lineages in the entire Bronx. He was the tough, rebel-type with torn blue jeans and jacket and a red bandanna in his back pocket, proud to display his fetish via the hanky code. In the dark halls of Coaster Fetish society, "fisting" had a completely different meaning.
Without fail, he approached Gabe. "Here, Mr. Kotter, I've got a note."
He always had a note. A note for everything but death and taxes, and it shouldn't be hard to work those in either.
He read aloud the handwriting that was very much Epstein's and said, "please excuse Supreme Editor from meeting deadline, signed, Epstein's Mother."
"Well you're in luck Epstein, you don't have to have your story ready today."
Epstein's eyes lit up, "really? All ri-ight!"
"That's right, because your deadline has been rescheduled for next week."
"Okay, does anybody remember what we talked about yesterday?"
He walked up to the chalk board and began to write Gravy in Literature in bold letters when the P.A. system came on.
"Would Mr. CSB Barbarino, please come to the office.... NOW!"
Principal Sandersons anger flew through the speakers and chilled the bones of everyone in Gabe's class, including Gabe himself. He remembered being a student at this school so many years ago, but could swear that Sanderson was just as old then as she was now.
CSB jumped up, defensive, "but Mr. K, I didn't do anything! Honest!"
The P.A. blared again, "Right now, CSB!"
"Better get going, Barbarino," Gabe sighed.
"But..." CSB slumped his shoulders and left the classroom.
"But, Mr. Kotter...." Horshack protested, "he didn't do anything."
"Sorry, Horshack, I can't decide that. Sanderson wants him to get over there, I very well can't say no."
Epstein stood and did his tough guy impression, "well, I think someone oughta catch Mr. Sanderson in a dark alley one night and..."
"Epstein," Gabe cut him off, "as much as I'd like to support your gravy ladle in the ass fantasies, you know I can't allow that."
"Aw man! Mr. Kott-hare," Washington complained, "you take the fun out of everything."
"No," Gabe replied with a sly grin, "Paul Ruben did that. And I'm the one who has the sad job of telling you."
Minutes later, CSB returned with his head down as he entered the class. He walked into the middle of the room and looked up.
"I graduated!"
Everyone leapt up and congratulated the ecstatic Barbarino.
"Hey, that means that taking that fourth year of twelfth grade really paid off!"
Horshack really knew how to bring focus into an event.
Then, Mrs. Sanderson came in to see the display, scowling. She always scowled. Even when she smiled, she scowled. Mrs. Sanderson just had one of those faces.
"Isn't that great Mrs. Sanderson? CSB just graduated!"
Sanderson scowled at his attempt to over-state the obvious.
"Washington, Epstein, Horshack. You all graduated too. Four ARN&R Sweathogs in one day. Oh, Hell's frozen solid, I'm sure."
As they came to receive their diplomas everyone had an impromptu party in their honor. Mrs. Sanderson crossed his arms and stepped back. Everyone was overjoyed, everyone but CSB.
"Hey CSB, my man. Why so glum, chum?"
"Don't you get it, JCK? We're adults now. We have responsibilities. We own a piece of the future in our hands," he held up his diploma for emphasis. "Plus we cant get any more school discounts at Rye Playland."
The room went silent as it all sunk in.
"Man we're adults. It's really here," Epstein stood there, shocked, "somehow I thought there would be fireworks or something maybe like the feeling you get during a wicked lateral."
Horshack couldn't say a thing.
Now the room was as silent as an ACE mixer.
"You guys will do fine," Sanderson said at last, dropping her mouth into that familiar sneer, "you've grown a lot since you first came to Buchanan High and I'm very proud of you."
Almost looking choked, she left the room quickly.
"Wow, another first," Gabe said, astonished.
For a long time no one said anything. The Sweathogs were men and they were ready.
Then Horshack spoke, "but what about Mr. Kotter? Doesn't he get to graduate?"
Welcome back. Your dreams were your season pass. Welcome back! To that same old park that you laughed about. The names have all changed since you hung around. And those coasters have remained and they've turned around. Who thought theyd need ya, back here where we need ya! Yeah we tease him a lot, but we got him on the spot Welcome back!
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